Tucson Examiner: Is Sex Becoming Too Expensive?

$1500 per year for sex? Is sex too expensive? Read my latest article in the Tucson Examiner and learn what you can do about it.

Lovers I've Never Met

Friday evening, February 27, is the third Ignite Tucson, and I'm going to give one of the presentations. My topic-- Lover's I've Never Met-- focuses on men whom I've met online but have never met in person. For the most part, I've never even seen pictures of them, but, based upon common interests, we have formed friendships in cyberspace.

During the past year, I have met dozens of men and women online and have dated several-- men, that is. What did I learn from my year of online dating? Here are some random thoughts on cyber love...

You Don't Have to Pay to Play. There are many ways to meet interesting people online (eg, blogging, listservs, social networking) without joining a dating site with a monthly fee. Investigate before you offer your credit card number.

Profiles. You really don't have to write much of a profile to get dates. In fact, a great picture or two and a few, well-chosen words is all you need. Depending upon what type of person you are seeking, you should carefully choose a screen name and a headline for your profile. I found that leaving everything else the same, I got different responses by playing around with these seemingly minor profile components.

Lies. Both men and women lie on their profiles. I read a research article in the New York Times about a study of social networking and online dating websites. It said that men lie about their height and age, while women lie about their weight. Being the naive and trusting person that I am, when I first started participating in online dating (again) a year ago, I was surprised how many younger men were corresponding with me. Eventually, I found out they weren't younger at all; they were just lying about their ages. One guy I dated even lied about his astrological sign. Now I study the photos and don't pay any attention to the listed age. A hint to the guys: if the woman has big '80s hair in her profile photo, it's most likely a photo from the '80s.

Chemistry. What is that little sparkle that you see in one person's eyes but not in another's? Chemistry goes beyond the physical and the intellectual, in my opinion, and into the primal realm. There is some hidden attraction that I feel for some men (or women) but not others. It is inexplicable but real. Unfortunately, online chemistry doesn't always translate to in-person chemistry.

Compatibility. Chemistry may get you into bed with someone, but for anything more than a few dates, a basic compatibility in lifestyles is necessary. Being an old hippie, I try to be accepting of others-- regardless of their social class, education, religion, race, sexual orientation, or ice cream flavor, BUT accepting them for who they are doesn't mean I want to have an intimate relationship with them.

Alternative Lifestyles. For years, social conservatives have been wringing their hands about gay marriage and trying to demonize gays and Lesbians and separate them from the mainstream as "different from us". Well, I'm here to tell the Bible-thumpers in Kansas that there are LOTS of other lifestyles that are "different" from yours! I was married for 18 years, so I figured I had some things to learn about dating when I emerged back on the scene, but I had no idea there were so many combinations of relationships out there.

Emotional Unavailability. This is a concept that I have experienced many times in my dating life but didn't have a label for until recently. During the past year, I've met (online and in person) a number of men who are available to just about anyone physically but emotionally available to no one. By the time one reaches my age, you know many people -- both men and women-- who have had unhappy relationships and/or marriages that have taken psychological tolls on them, leaving them very wary of involvement. It is my hope that these people continue to grow past their hurt.

Be Realistic and Be Yourself. Often people jump into relationships with the first person who pays attention to them, they latch onto that person, and they pretend they are someone else to gain acceptance. Not a good idea. One of the most important lessons I have learned is to be myself. I accept myself and my body, and I believe I project this self-confidence. I don't hide my true self, and I hope the people whom I meet are not hiding their true selves either.

The Four Agreements. This is a great book, and I think the basic agreements are helpful in developing any type of relationship: be true to your word; don't take anything personally; assume nothing; and always do your best.

Amores Perros: Bound for Love

Bound for Love, a new photograph of mine, will be included in the Amores Perros exhibit at Raices Taller on 6th Street.

This show is being billed as an introspective on human sensuality; Bound for Love fits well with this theme because it is a provocative glimpse at submission.

Amores Perros begins this Saturday, January 24, with an artists' reception from 6-10pm and continues through March 7, with a grand re-opening on February 14, Valentine's Day.

Sexuality: What's Your Flavor?

The other day, as I was pondering the complexities of life and eating ice cream, I had a revelation: Ice cream is the perfect analogy for sexuality.

In street slang, people who are super straight, heterosexual, and -- shall we say --unimaginative in the sack are labeled "vanilla". If we use vanilla as a starting point for this analogy, what would be the opposite? Dark Chocolate Fudge, perhaps? What would a Dark Chocolate Fudge person do that a Vanilla person wouldn't think of? Oh, the possibilities!

Then I started to think: What am I? Certainly, I am somewhere in between Vanilla and Dark Chocolate Fudge.

After much thought, I concluded that I am Mocha Almond Fudge (which also happens to be my favorite flavor). I'm a little off-color and a little nuts. I have sinfully delicious, lusciously dark, random and unpredictable swirls that will kick up the endorphins. I'm stimulating enough to keep you alert and dark enough to give you a rush. Sexy, huh? Who needs Rocky Road (always the drama queen), when you can have the sophisticated and delightful Mocha Almond Fudge?

So, what ice cream flavor are you? I'd love to hear from you in the comment section. If you're shy, use the anonymous option, but then, of course, the rest of us are going to think you are really Vanilla. :-)

Palm Springs: Dancing with My Stars

On most days, you can find me wearing a comfortable pair of blue jeans at my home on the range, but last night I was in Palm Springs, gliding across the dance floor in a low-cut, black dress, my sexy silver heels, and my rhinestone bling collar.

I spent New Year's Eve, dancing the night away in the arms of strangers. As they held me, I could feel their strong hands on my bare back-- pulling me in, then pushing me back. Dance is such a metaphor for life, I thought.

The energy of our bodies mingled, as we felt the music and each other. The ruffed hem of my form-fitting dress fluttered in the breeze as they spun me around the dance floor like a top-- twirling again and again on the toes of my dance shoes-- then stopping short as they pulled me in-- smiling devilishly, gazing into my eyes, knowing they controlled me. As my hips undulated, I pranced and kicked, my silver shoes glittering under the brightly colored lights of the dance floor. I watched them follow the movements of my body with their eyes, as we remained connected sometimes only through the tips of our fingers.

When the music demanded, they bent me back. My painted toes reached for the ceiling, my eyes pierced theirs, and they held me tightly, as I fell into their arms, helpless.

In dance, as in life, connection is everything-- the gaze, the smile, the touch, the energy. When the follow feels the connection, she will do whatever the lead wants her to do.

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P.S. I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's Eve. Happy New Year. Here's to dreams come true. Look for more updates (hopefully) from the West Coast Swing Convention in Palm Springs.

Marry Me! I Have Health Insurance!

Marrying someone to obtain health insurance is yet another example of how screwed up our health care system is. In Health Benefits Inspire to Marry, or Divorce, the NY Times offers vignettes of people who are making matrimonial decisions based on the availability of health care benefits.

I really don't know what to say about this except that the foreigners who read the NY Times must be either laughing at our collective stupidity or shaking their heads in disbelief.

On NPR this morning, the commentator said that the health care insurance fixes that both McCain and Obama are proposing are not significantly different from the proposals that were suggested back in 1992 when the Clintons tried to push universal coverage forward. Hmmmmmm.....

Maybe availability of health insurance coverage should be added as an personal attribute on the online dating sites:
Hair: auburn
Eyes: brown
Height: 5'3"
Build: average
Health Insurance: yes

Modern Love

Obviously, if you have been reading my blog, you know that I am a regular reader of the New York Times. Although I occasionally disagree with some of the columnists, I think that the online Times is a great mix of hard news and entertainment features. In my opinion, one of the more entertaining columns is Modern Love.

This column does not appear daily; in fact, it seems to appear randomly. The other day I searched the NYT site to see if there had been any recent stories. I found several new Modern Love articles including a series written by college students who entered a NYT contest. The Times wanted to learn about Modern Love on college campuses. What's ironic to me is how applicable they are to me, a woman of a certain age. I have linked to four winning student entries here.

"Want to Be My Boyfriend? Please Define" This article is the winner of the NYT Modern Love college author contest. The author is a very articulate co-ed who tries to define dating, hooking up, and relationship expectations.

"Let's Not Get to Know Each Other Better" This article by a college guy is, in some ways, the "answer song" to the post above. It reminds me of one of the running jokes on Seinfeld: Is this a date?

"My Dropout Boyfriend Kept Dropping In" I was laughing out loud while reading this article about the afraid-of-the-dark boyfriend who decides to be voluntarily homeless. This guy "didn't need" an apartment (or the expense of an apartment) because he had a girlfriend with one. It reminded me of an old beau who "didn't need a car". Yeah, right, didn't need one until he wanted to buy groceries or move. He didn't need a car-- just a girlfriend with a car.

"Instant Message, Instant Girlfriend" I thought this one was fascinating. The self-described dweeb woos women using IM and e-mail because he is uncomfortable face-to-face communication. On IM, he transformed himself from "an overweight, overdressed frog to a charming, handsome, technology-savvy prince."

I hope you enjoy these humorous but also poignant views of love and relationships.

July 15 Update: Rather than add yet another post about relationships, I decided to update my Modern Love post with a link to an article by Ben Stein in today's NYT. "Lessons in Love by Way of Economics" is thoughtful but somewhat tongue-in-cheek. It includes several pearls of wisdom including: don't buy junk bonds, do your research before investing, long-term investment pays off, and the size of your return can be directly correlated to your investment.

Image credit: New York Times

The Perfect Match

In astrology, your perfect match is the sun sign across from yours on the zodiac wheel. If you are a fire sign, that sign is an air sign; air feeds fire. If you are an earth sign, your perfect match is a water sign; earth and water make glorious mud.

Obviously in real life, relationships are a little more complicated. In yesterday's New York Times, Maureen Dowd contributed a story entitled "An Ideal Husband." I'm not sure why she chose to call it this, since easily it could have been entitled "An Ideal [Spouse, Husband, Wife, Significant Other, Partner, whatever]"; the advice applies to relationships, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Much of the article is based upon common sense advice from a priest who has been counseling married couples for decades. There is nothing earth-shattering about this article, but I do think that it is good refresher information for single people who would like to be someone's significant other. The big take-home message is to really get to know someone before you become infatuated with them or before you fall in love with being in love. (In other words, fall in love with the idea of being in a couple. Women do this all the time, in my opinion.)

Crushes don't last, according to Father Pat Connor, who adds, "Infatuation trumps judgment.”

Addendum: Several New York Times readers also were moved to comment on this article. Here is a link to some interesting letters.